Missing Person

What's the loneliest you've ever felt? Have you lost someone? Were they important to you? Or do you now realise, that maybe, you never even knew who they were?
I've lost someone close to me.
And it's recently occured to me I never really knew who she was.
Obviously I loved her. It never mattered to me who she was, and what she appeared to be to everyone else.
Although things being as they are... well, it started to matter.
Should it have mattered? No, of course it shouldn't. Everyone should be allowed to be themselves. Even if they don't know who that is, they should be comfortable that they'll be accepted nomatter what.
She changed a lot in the time that I knew her. She went from one personality to the next. Always trying too hard to be what she thought would feel right.
In the end. Hypocritically of course. She tried to be too many conflicting things.
She wanted to be really sassy - and together. She wanted to know she was hot, and know she was great in bed. Just that aura of self confidence that some girls achieve effortlessly - she wanted that.
She wanted to be innocent. That kind of appeal - you know - I'm actually quite naieve. I don't know everything but I want to learn.
For a long time she wanted to be intelligent. And - give her her due - she was. Her marks were good and she was sensible about drinking and smoking.
But then she wanted to be popular. And popular doesn't go with smart. So down went the marks, down went the moral highground, and down went her general happiness really.
She stabled out a bit after that. She found the middle ground. She could be intelligent, and nip out for a smoke when she needed one. She was hot, she lost a lot of weight. And she looked like she had the confidence to go with it. And underneath, yes. Like everyone else she was naieve. She didn't know everything and she very much wanted to learn.
This is just a short background. Maybe one day, when it gets clearer. I will explain better. I just wanted to tell you a little of who she's been. Maybe that way - it'll be clearer who she was.